And someday, I’ll build that castle again…

There’s a silence before every storm. The signs were always there, I just chose to ignore them because I thought it would get me to the one destination I wanted the most. I let you blow out the candles when the wishes were mine. She’s gone you know, that girl you met, on that uncertain evening. I promise she wanted more, but right now, she’s given up all the pieces for you and you’re not even here anymore.

We had it all. We had the perfect start, the perfect end to that chapter. I just wish I hadn’t clung on to that page so much, and we’d both be in a better place right now. I promise I don’t hate you; I can’t because you let me see a side of you that no one knew existed. You let me in and I let myself stay there. Never create places that’ll dip you in ecstasy to subsequently drown you in the same. I was trying to mend us but each time; I didn’t realize that I was breaking you. I don’t know how your past few weeks have been. I’d ask but it would be cruel to both of us to create a raging possibility of a distant future. I can’t control what’s coming for both of us, but right now I want to make sure it doesn’t end with either of us in the same place.

You were my summer song and summers don’t last beyond July. I was supposed to change the song on that playlist but now the replay button is damaged. People change and grow with seasons. I don’t blame you. You weren’t a monster, you were human and I finally knew my reality. Who knew landing on the ground had much more to fear than when you’re falling? There was a castle in that sky, and I was trying to make a home in a house. I’d make you climb the stairs to the highest floor of the highest tower but for a moment, I had closed my eyes and let that floor crumble beneath me till there wasn’t a place where you could reach me again. And just like that, I’d destroy the castle, you’d conjure an ocean and there’d only be venom in the spaces that separated us. You’d set fire to the crumbled castle and the smoke wouldn’t let me breathe, so I’d run. The truth was I was breathing oxygen this entire time while my mind had craved breathing freedom.

So she left, so she could build a simple home this time instead where laughter would be frozen in photographs, every drive meant the liberating wind on her face and in that home, she mattered. It was a home where you could smell peace on the fresh green grass. It was a home where your picture could hang on the wall and she would no longer feel pain because that moment would be left untouchable; and you’d have taught her to build another castle for it had happened once. It was where she’d gain acceptance.

 

 

A Scribbled Story.

22nd October, 2016

I’m struggling with conversations. No I don’t mean the kind where a person starts fumbling at words with anxiety but that I’m actually out of things to say to people. There is nothing wrong with the universe, they’re just wrong for me. The wrong ones surround me and the right ones are across borders that I can’t cross right now. Did you ever feel so comfortable with yourself that the rest of the world seldom matters? I’m better off alone. I’ve taught myself that my entire life until you were my unbecoming. But now that I’m back home, I need to get used to being alone again. It was much easier than I thought to get back to that shell. The shell where I look at people every morning and smile and the smile says I’m fine when I’m all but.

What does fine mean anyway? I’ve got my shit together so I’m fine? My grades are good so I’m fine? I’m happy as a unicorn so hell yeah, I’m fine? So yes, I think I’m fine as long as I’m left alone in a corner to do my thing. I want to listen to tragic songs on my headphones and contemplate life as it passes me by, text you while I’m at it, laugh at whatever stupid maniac theory we come up with, do math and just be. I don’t want to talk to someone. My classmate actually talked to me today and guess what when I realized I didn’t have anything to say to him and so I asked me if he’d heard a song you asked me to listen to last week. It’s all I could come up with. So I smiled and laughed and let him talk. I wish that the company of another human being would make me feel better at this point, but all it did was make me uneasy. I really did want to be left alone. I’m not lonely but I miss you most of the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamt of a moment where I’m booking a cab that takes me to the airport and the first I’d see is your face and we’re so relieved that its each other. I day dream that I’d run up to you and hug you while you hugged me back just as tight and I’d take in your smell and breathe your essence for a while. Then, we’d place our foreheads against each other’s and grin for a moment and ignore what every onlooker had to say about our moment. I had a conversation today that wasn’t small talk and I still felt empty. This sounds harsh but I tuned out to few of the things he had to say. Sure, we talked about the presidential debate and it was an intellectual conversation but I’d rather argue over it with you. And as dysfunctional as this may sound, I just want to be alone. I don’t know how long this behaviour or this arrogance as the world perceives it will last but I’m tired of trying to make a friend or connect with anything when it’s just not happening.

I wonder what population of the universe feels a part of them die on the inside over the meaningless glances, fleeting frustrations and the constant feeling that they don’t have a place where they truly belong. I wish we belonged in a universe where free will was all that mattered, where I wouldn’t be judged for wanting you as much as I do. I know you died last month but you’re still here. I wish this could get a bit easier, someday.

I’ll  see you soon?

 

You’ll be here, even when you’re gone.

Sigmund Freud compared the pain caused by the death of a loved one to that when the person experiences melancholia. It’s true, he wasn’t lying. We don’t need to see someone die to hit rock bottom. Every single battle witnessed in history, it doesn’t matter who won, because they only won a battle to lose the war.

I see too many happy faces on Facebook, mostly selfies, weird faces, captions and screenshots. Does anyone else wonder if that really was someone being happy or begging for the validation so they were more socially accepted? The truth is nobody wants to know if you ate popcorn at that movie you loved, but you want to know that girl who sits aloof in a corner in that library.  Why? Because she managed to do something you couldn’t. Stay alone. I don’t know if she asked for it or if she grew to love the solitude and peace over time. You want to know that story. You want to know that while the rest of the world is a happy façade, there’s still a picture to burn.  I don’t know you but if you gave me that one song you love so much, I’ll know you so much better. I’ll listen to it once, twice and the third time I’ll know what line hit you like a wave, and it wasn’t the happy one.

It’s a selfish existence. When someone is gone, you don’t miss them, you miss what they could do for you if they were here. That photograph of an ex lying on that last page of your diary is still there not because you still love them, you miss being happy and an embrace like no other. You’re trying to steal back lost time but the Hannibal has already been cast. You don’t just lose people, you lose yourself, the girl that looked out the window of a bus to smell the rain or that boy from a photograph in 8th grade. You’ll live a thousand lives to die for the one that’ll you’ll never have. You’ll try to co-exist in a space where you can’t live the dream you see with open eyes. No one warns us about how much harder it’ll get, not life, but trying to understand you. You want to understand why a person who’ll hurt you over and over again is who you’ll love like a drug in the blood stream. You want to understand why you let someone undermine your authority. You want to know why you have memories with a complete stranger. You want to understand why your best decision was your worst. You want to know why we’re all so naked with clothes on.

So yes, I may see you laughing in the college canteen, but there was so much more to you. Tell me what makes you tick. Tell me about those 5 seconds that never let you be the same again. I’m sorry if I won’t remember your favourite colour or if you hate raisins with your cupcakes.  But I’ll remember what you confessed over coffee, because you’re not a person to me, you’re a story and you’ll be here, even when you’re gone.

Because, we’re the aftermath of a war someone else fought, to see you live.

Dream a little dream of me

Mitral valve replacements and heart failures. The conference went on and so did the snooze fest. Her classes had taught her to break everything down to a molecular level but most days all she wanted was to feel the surface, rugged and uneven in all its glory.

She simply existed in a space where she wasn’t serving any purpose. To be in one dimension, and to have that occasional trance bring her home. She contemplated why the universe had sent her here, a place where the longing to belong would take its toll. She wondered  if at that very moment if there was just one person who was feeling the same. Breathing, not living. Moving through a crowd unannounced or walking that lonely street with tangled earphones screaming  Linkin Park.

She wondered if there was someone who’d show her the kind of music she didn’t  want but needed. She wondered if a stranger’s eyes were more familiar than they should be. Of course, it was all in her head but the Potterhead knew it couldn’t mean that it wasn’t real.

She screamed captivity in a free land. She was trapped in her own mind because the world simply wasn’t enough. Her anger made love to pride and gave birth to rebellion. Molecules never appealed the soul like hummed poetry on a midnight with ukuleles. She wanted her feet wet in the sand. So she’d dream, everyday, a little dream till each one forced out the world that her neurons created and shattered the thin line between her blank unresponding self and that mundane black board.

She dreamed like it was okay to just be here a little while and paint other futures with the night sky. She dreamed of home. She dreamed a little dream of me.

90 minutes

“Promise me that if I ever say something you absolutely positively hate or something that I did, you’ll tell me”, he said while she wondered what got him to bring this up. She paused just about to talk when he talked again, “Yaar, tell me one thing I trouble you on a daily basis, why are you still here?” That question somehow perked her up as she replied, “The same way I mutually berate you”.

“What has gotten into you today?” she asked.

“I’ve let go my entire life and somewhere either I lost interest or they did or we left too many things unsaid. I never tried hard enough but now I want to change that one aspect of my life. Tell me, tell me everything. What did you think of me the first time we met? What were the few things that pissed you off that first week? This is my week of taking criticism, so feel free to rant against me”.

She smiled as she reminisced that shy boy she’d met at that airport and how far he’d come from annoying her to opening up for once in his life. Conversations were never small talk. Everything had to mean something because the universe had always made it its personal mission to push two people to grow together under the weirdest of scenarios. “Well you were annoying, still are. You’re grumpy when you take photos. You like to be the hero everywhere, and let everything die inside you. Seriously, what’s up with that? You can be so full of shit. Like hello, do you derive some personal pleasure in being all dark and twisty?”

“Wow. You took the feel free to part pretty literally. Nevertheless go on”.

“You like DC over Marvel.  You can just —-“, she said as he cuts her off to defend Batman. They were laughing through the argument by the time he was done defending his favourite superheroes honour.  She yawned softly. “ You should go sleep” he said. “What about my criticism? Don’t you have something to say?” she asked away still fighting sleep. “I do bu—-“ he said as the call got cut exactly at 89 minutes and 59 seconds like every other time that reminded them that it was post 1 am and there were assignments waiting for the week and that last half hour of the Prestige that she never got around to watching.

“Hey again”.

“Hi”, she said still smiling because the next 90 minutes had just begun. “So you were saying?” she teased. “You really are annoying”, he said with that half smile she picturized him give all those miles away as all the undone laundry lay in a bucket of soap in front of him, not that it ever mattered.

As those 90 minutes flew they realized that no matter how long the other were to stay, it wasn’t the words that would break them, it would be the lack of those 90 minutes.

I can’t remember when…

I sat there at the dentist’s office the other day where I saw this baby girl, not more than two running around waiting to see her dad and smile and jump like the rest of us weren’t there. While to her mother, the laughs and the mischief’s were nothing more than cacophony, I looked at the girl in the eye and smiled. Maybe because I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t so tired when I got home from university that I wanted to collapse or because I can’t remember the last time I was excited to see my parent just because they are my parent. I can’t remember the last time I smiled like that, like the world ceased to exist in between the snorts of the laughter. Yes, I’m talking about the absolutely ugly laugh that would cause people to turn around annoyed half angry that I was disturbing them and the other half envying me that I had a reason to be just that happy.

I can’t remember when I got so practical. I’m trying to pinpoint the exact moment when the child inside me left my soul like it was never there. Growing up wasn’t supposed to be so harsh. I can’t remember when the idea of a fairy tale that was ingrained in my mind left to believe that at the end of the day maybe surviving was enough. The occasional Harry Potter helped to let me keep believing in magic but I wonder if that’s enough right now. I can’t remember when the cynic inside me arose either to engulf the girl who’d always look out for the best in people. I can’t remember why I never tried to find my way back to her.

I can’t remember when leaving the house after 8 became so unsafe that most days you’d never consider it unless you’d absolutely have to. We weren’t supposed to be protected, we were supposed to fly and migrate with the wind. We were supposed to build sandcastles and imagine objects in clouds, but most nights we’re trapped inside four walls that don’t leave too much room for creativity.

I can’t remember when I started simply looking and stopped observing. I can’t remember when time went by but I was what got spent. I can’t remember when loving a person was no longer a fact but a weapon people used against you at your worst. People aren’t what should be protected but this will always happen because the cynic in me refuses to look at this with a beacon of hope. I can’t remember showing affection only got reduced to social media posts with desperate people who craved the validation. This is isn’t what we were supposed to be. I can’t remember when the crowd began to suffocate me and I got so good with being alone it made people uncomfortable. Solitude wasn’t always bliss and now it’s what you crave.

I can’t remember when I stopped noticing the joys in the small things. I can’t remember when I started hearing and stopped listening. Reading between the lines is a rare gift now. I can’t remember when soft toys turned expensive tops and letters to emails. I can’t remember people turned to remixes over good old poetry. I should be a song written in the sky instead I’m scattered droplets of water on the floor yet not cleaned. I can’t remember when flip flops turned to heels when you used to have your father’s shoulders to climb on and see the world. I can’t remember when being taller became a need because some heights are so perfect that that bone-crushing hug let’s you hear his heartbeats.

I can’t remember when forever became a myth that’s used so often it degraded that very value of the word. I can’t remember when someone taught me to stop believing in it. I can’t remember when we became as fragile as glass but with a facade of steel out front. I can’t remember when letting feelings die inside us every day became a core of our being. We say so much yet not what we’re supposed to. I can’t remember when actions were being ignored to believe words people never meant. I can’t remember when crying or being sick became a burden. I can’t when I grew up so fast to let myself not depend on them again. I can’t remember the last people traveled not to take back photographs but memories home. I can’t remember when a home became just a house.

I can’t remember the joy of going to school turned to the dread of attending lectures I snoozed through in university. I can’t remember education stopped being about learning but about getting that typical where everyone came home only to complain about their boss. I can’t remember why I stopped dancing in the rain on my rooftop because I was scared I’d get a cold and couldn’t complete my assignment. I can’t remember when exhaustion didn’t leave room for fantasies. I really should be on a beach in Bali enjoying the weather even when I’m so broke I can’t book a flight there. I can’t remember when birthdays were a reason for random strangers to throw cake at your face rather than peaceful family dinners. I can’t remember when I grew up so much I wanted to head out into the world. I can’t remember when being an independent woman became a threat.

I can’t remember when deep conversations turned to small talks and crowds made you look for just that one friendly face because the rest truly are irrelevant. I can’t remember when late nights were for writing reports instead of reading novels. I can’t remember when the hurt began writing scribbled stories.I can’t remember when the universe ceased to inspire and motivate me. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly amazed or touched. I can’t remember when the world began to judge on the basis of caste, color, race or religion and yet we called ourselves “evolved”.  I can’t remember when being different started causing me the feeling of shame. I can’t remember the day I realized the monsters weren’t under my bed but the demons within. The monster I am at 2 am is cascaded by the shy introvert that walks during the day.

I can’t remember when I stopped recognizing the girl I saw the mirror today or when the lightning had a split the sea. I can’t remember when I started saving myself from drowning, from people and emotions alike. I can’t remember why no one reminded me to look at all of this because all of this goes unnoticed, every day, every second and to everyone who walks by you. I can’t remember when the universe let that black hole breathe the earth in or when voices were just shouts into voids, when children died hungry, thirsty, diseased or hurt. I’m trying and I can’t remember. I can’t remember you and most of all I can’t remember her.

 

 

I’ll believe you’ve loved when…

  • I’m a Disney fan. A hardcore sing-along-to-High-School-Musical-and-the-Lion-King-at-karaoke-Disney-fan. But I don’t believe Amy Adams while she screams “How does She Know You Love Her?” anymore. What changed? Age? Perspectives? Every asshole that made you think differently? Did you finally realise your worth? I hope you did. Did you realise that there is no such thing as forever because Carpe Diem. I hope you did. Did you watch the Dead Poets Society and realise that there’s more to life? I hope you did. Did you give up when it got hard? I sincerely hope you didn’t.

    While this may be just another shot from just another person talking about love from the incredible accounts all over the world, I’ll have my say and shout out here. If you relate to this, I hope you’re not among the ones that was torn down and if you don’t…like I said this is just another shot at having my say on this.

    I never understood the concept of love at first sight. How do you know you’ll always want that person from the minute you saw them? Was it the way they looked at everything around them? Did you find them attractive? Was it their smile that took your breath away? These things can’t be enough. You can’t be in love with someone until you’ve truly loved their mind. Their thoughts, the songs they listen to when they want to feel happy, their opinions, their mistakes, their scars and every little thing that truly makes them, them. You can’t love them unless you’ve had that one conversation that forced you to want to listen to what they aren’t saying and you tried to break down their God damn walls and wished they never put them back up again. You haven’t loved someone until they trusted you to show you a side of them that no one else has ever seen before because no one else was ever that worthy. You haven’t loved someone enough until you’ve been high on the conversations you’ve had be it the intellectual kind or the deep ones that left you craving for more. You haven’t loved someone until you gave them a piece of you that can never be retracted. You haven’t loved someone until they made you feel safe in their sanctuary. You haven’t loved someone until you knew that they were the ones you wished were by your side when you’re so exhausted that you can’t think straight. You haven’t loved someone until even every mile between you two isn’t enough to break what you know in your heart is here to stay a long, long time.

    Picture this: you haven’t met them in the longest time and you finally have a moment alone at that bridge and amidst all the self-reflection they tell you there’s someone else. You haven’t loved until it tore you apart to belong in a universe where you didn’t belong together. You haven’t loved until you had the best day of your life with them and silently prayed they weren’t hoping it was someone else they wanted beside them in that moment. You haven’t loved until you put your armour at their feet and trust them…no believe that they will not under any circumstance destroy you. You haven’t loved till your life became that poetry and they didn’t just teach you to love the melody but the lyrics. You haven’t loved till you memorized their smile and its all you want at your worst Not an embrace, or a kiss but for them to simply look you in the eye, wide-eyed and let you fall apart. You haven’t loved until you fought for them, every rumour, and every attack on their dignity and stood by them unwavering. You haven’t loved until you became unforgiving at times. . I’ll know you’ve loved when they didn’t touch you once but they got under your skin anyway. You haven’t loved until a crowd has suffocated you they’re the only face you look for and love how they say your name. You haven’t loved until you had to let go even though every bone in your body told you not to. It’s the bravest you’ll ever be.

    You haven’t loved until they became the very colour of your soul and everyone around you knew that they ruined you….ruined you so much you’d never look at another. You haven’t loved until the last few minutes at the airport shattered you and put up such a strong upfront for them. You haven’t loved till their every essence consumed you. You haven’t loved them until you didn’t picturise a wedding but a life together, every sunrise, every sunset, embrace, every kiss in the rain. You haven’t loved till they’d become the eye of the storm that brew through your mind every single day. You haven’t loved them until you finally got the courage to finally tell them that even though you might lose them. You haven’t loved till they’re what you call home.

    I’ll believe you’ve loved then.